How I developed an eating disorder; Pt. 1

I’ve decided to tackle this subject in parts. Through my recovery, I’ve been able to parse a lot of the bits and pieces together to find the root cause of my disordered eating. But honestly, it’s fucking complicated. So this first part, I’m going to focus on the beginning. I’ll break down a little of why it’s been so challenging to break the cycle. But mainly, I’m going to try to rehash where it all began.

I’ve always associated food with comfort. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old, and I struggled to find stability after the split. The struggle to find peace, combined with my lack of control, opened up a void in my life. Binge eating became my way to fill that void of insecurity. And that was where the problem started. It’s become cliche to highlight the importance of having a good “relationship” with food. But cliche or not, that importance can not be overstated. Once I developed an unhealthy relationship with food, eating became centered around control and comfort rather than sustenance and balance. This is where the seeds of my disordered eating were planted.

I gained weight very quickly. By the time I was 10 years old, I was about 220 pounds. And as I got bigger, I experienced more bullying from peers and more criticism from my family. The concern from my family was understandable but also unrelenting. So I became acutely aware of my size and the fact that I didn’t belong. I started to associate my self-worth with my size and appearance. If you want to experience rejection from polite society, gain weight. People let you know immediately that you are not welcome. I think people want to believe that body positivity is widely accepted at this point. But having been on the receiving end of the negativity, I can tell you that judgment and contempt prevail over the acceptance.

This is where I look back and realize just how fucked I was from the beginning. I’ve spent so long trying to pinpoint where it all could have been stopped. Even as I lost weight, I was praised by those around me. So this confirmed my perception of appearance being associated with self-worth. Girls wanted to date me, people wanted to be my friend, and no one bullied me. I thought the happiness would follow, but the issue quickly shifted from being overweight to maintaining that weight loss to not returning to the place I was before.

I continued to lose weight, get praise, etc. But I didn’t do it sustainably. I set up a shaky foundation of dietary restrictions, serial dieting, and starvation. People think that once you lose weight, the problems really go away. But if you aren’t healthy mentally, that shit comes back to bite you. And for me, it destroyed my life up until as recently as about 2 years ago.

I lost weight and waited for the happiness to follow. But I continued to see myself in my “large form.” So body dysmorphia started. I never satisfied my hunger, and as I restricted, I pushed further away from creating a healthy connection to food. And the more I focused on my body, the less I concentrated on anything else. So every other aspect of my life became secondary.

I guess this is an excellent place to start explaining my disorder. The disorganization of my childhood made me use food as a comfort mechanism. As I grew, the bullying and criticism of my size pushed me further into hatred of myself and my body. I began to associate self-worth with my appearance. So no matter how I went forward, I was constantly unhappy and chasing something only achievable by looking inward. I overate, and under ate, and restricted. But even the physical results of the hard work I put in didn’t mean anything. So that unhappiness eventually drove me into a spiral.

I think it’s generally believed that anyone fit is happy. But I just don’t buy it. Until I sought out balance and sustainability, I couldn’t even think about happiness. My eating disorder is going to affect my life forever. I’ve had to work so hard to accept myself as a person. Every day is still a struggle to remove the habits that I formed. I have to silence the voices of doubt. The amount of time it took for me to feel safe eating food that wasn’t considered healthy is kind of insane.

So I think that sums up pretty well how it all began. I will make a point to write entries highlighting my struggles in this area as often as I can and how I go about processing them. I’m by no means an authority on this subject. But I think my experiences allow me to lend pretty good insight into ED behavior. I’ve reached a good place with diet, fitness, and mentality. But it requires constant maintenance. I just want people to know recovery is possible.