I’m not sure if you’ll find a more prominent advocate for physical fitness than me. I wake up every day ready and excited to go to the gym. Maintaining peak physical performance is the cornerstone of my mental health and a sense of purpose. But sometimes, I wonder if that’s a good thing? I genuinely enjoy working out. But has this routine become a replacement for my disorder or a tool to aid in recovery?
Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish if I’m working out because I enjoy it or feel I need to. I push myself very hard. While the sense of accomplishment after a strenuous workout is incredibly gratifying, I often wonder if I’m going over the top. My workouts often span two hours from start to finish. I constantly move throughout the day and regularly walk or bike to destinations. And while I eat “freely” (meaning I don’t restrict), I wonder if my subconscious uses that activity level to justify the food. So rather than accepting my diet, I’m relying on the movement to “purge” the excess calories.
Here’s the truth; I don’t think that’s the case. But I also believe I need to re-examine why and how I’m performing physical activity constantly. My wife has wisely pointed out the abnormal reaction that I have to take time off the gym. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid serious injury over my lifting and fitness “career.” But I have experienced some minor wear and tear. One of the most recent mishaps highlighted how I need to use fitness more carefully if I genuinely want to recover.
I injured my foot. It was a minor bone spur that I kept aggravating and eventually became painful enough to warrant a doctor’s visit. I spiraled. I wondered if I had to stop moving to heal it. I lamented the possibility of being bedridden or low-key for weeks before I could return to my beloved routine. As I did so, my wife asserted a point that has since stuck with me whenever I feel I’m becoming unhealthily reliant on fitness. She argued that if I couldn’t even imagine briefly breaking from fitness to heal my body, how could my relationship with it be healthy?
It is vital to constantly examine your relationship with fitness. The irony of my situation was that, In my head, it would be unhealthy or detrimental to my body to take time off of the gym. But the reason for taking time off would be to heal an injury. So in my “quest for health,” I was immediately putting my health in jeopardy.
If I saw a news article titled “Man breaks leg during a marathon, but finishes final 8 miles with bone exposed.” My immediate reaction would be to call that man fucking stupid. Ultimately, he probably hurt himself more than if he had stopped and sought medical attention. But he ran on the leg and possibly did irreversible damage. I see this. But why couldn’t I apply the same logic to myself? The gravity of my situation was very different. But the message is the same.
Maybe this was too tangential. But the point is pretty simple. I think fitness is an essential and powerful tool. Building muscle, overcoming physical trials, and moving your body can do wonders for mental health and self-esteem. But I think fitness can also be incredibly harmful and regressive if pursued incorrectly.
Anyone recovering from an eating disorder needs to approach fitness carefully. Your ED can manifest very quickly into unhealthy fitness habits. It’s interesting because the phrase “unhealthy fitness habit” seems oxymoronic. If you’re working out, that’s good. It is. But only if you have a strong sense of self to motivate your “fitness journey” (god, I hate that phrase). Hit the gym. Feel that freedom and strength of being able to lift or run or whatever. But don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s. You should be doing it because you love it, just like anything else.
