Eating disorder brain is a weird thing. Even as you make strides toward recovery, the mentality of your former behavior attempts to dictate your habits. For example, whenever I eat something “indulgent,” I have to talk down my anxiety. My mind wants to bargain for the validity of my indulgence. I impulse to justify the consumption rather than say, “I’m eating this because I want to.” So what have I done to combat this? There’s no formula other than simply pushing forward with eating what I am craving. As I do so, I hope to normalize the incorporation of previously unsafe foods into my life and diet.
In my previous article, I don’t have cheat days. But the decision to leave them behind did not happen overnight. If you want to recover from an eating disorder, incorporating foods that make you uncomfortable is necessary. The only way to remove the taboo around that “off-limits” food in your head is to remove those limits. It’s a scary prospect, but you need to have faith in yourself.
I’m going to speak for myself and no one else. When I first began to recover, I craved burritos all of the time. It may sound silly, but I could never picture giving myself permission to eat one. They are rich and large. But they also have stigmatized and demonized ingredients like cheese, rice, and tortillas. But I realized that I needed to challenge my fear of this food. So I decided to have a burrito night every week. I know this is counterintuitive to my anti-cheat meal narrative. But it was more about a slow introduction to my diet. I’ll explain.
Every week for months, I had a burrito on Thursday nights. It became an event. I would go to a new taco shop, pick meat, and compare the burrito to previous ones. This served as a micro challenge to me. But it also became the fuel for my forte in food writing. I began to think up other foods I could compare and “make a night” for. Sometime throughout this process, burritos became “safe.” I stopped having specific nights for them, and I would simply enjoy one for dinner if the craving arose. The “danger” of the food was removed, and frankly, so was the novelty. I’ll never be sick of burritos; I’m not a maniac. But to give you an idea of how many I ate, I could confidently describe and rank every taco shop burrito in Salt Lake City.
My whole point with that story is to paint a broader picture of my approach to food freedom. I’m not a professional, obviously. But I have begun to find balance by normalizing foods that I was once afraid of. I have done this by incorporating them at mealtimes. For example, if you crave a burger, then eat a burger once per week. I don’t know how to explain the result of this practice other than tell you it removes the novelty. Ideally, you will eat burgers enough to make them normal. They will always be delicious! But suddenly, they are just a dinner option rather than some forbidden fruit.
I can mostly eat what I’d like to eat at this point. The shaming dialogue in my head is still very present, however. Depending on your recovery stage, I can’t tell you if this ever goes away. But I’ve found that I’m happier and more balanced once I start ordering that cookie with my coffee rather than just wishing I did. I don’t obsess over the cookie anymore. I honor the craving and create better habits for how I view food as a whole. All food has merit. I hope this all makes sense. Just eat the slice of cake. Because you are going to waste time pining over it unless you do. You deserve the cake and the peace of mind. Thank you for reading.
