I’ve previously discussed the potentially fraught relationship one can have with fitness while recovering from an eating disorder. I have been through that period, and I feel as though I’ve reached a point where I now have a good relationship with working out. But it wasn’t easy. I work out because I love to work out. The strength I feel after lifting or the happiness I feel while moving has no equivalent in any other activity. When I began to recover, my main goal was to do so with the incorporation of exercise. I think the main reason I continue to work out is the joy it provides and the empowerment it grants me as I regain my self-esteem.
Finding that balance between overkill and sustainability was difficult. Freeing myself from the cycle of purging calories through activity didn’t happen overnight. I stopped going to the gym for a long time. I had to assess and re-examine what my goals were with fitness. At the end of the day, my main objective was to simply be healthy. Maintaining physical fitness is only a tiny part of that goal. It was paramount for me to discover which activities made me feel good mentally. I didn’t want to exercise because I felt like I had to. That’s where weight lifting came into play.
When I was replacing bulimia with calorie counting, I was at the gym every day. I lost copious amounts of weight doing aimless exercises while depriving myself of nutrients. I wanted to gain muscle, but the diet I was trying to maintain was not conducive to anything other than pure fat loss. The only solution was to face the facts. If I wanted to lift heavier, I needed more nutrients. I don’t want this to be a trigger for anyone. My desire to lift heavier weight was not driven by vanity. I was drawn to strength training as a tool for feeling raw power. As I ate more and embraced what was so uncomfortable to me, I was able to feel a sense of satisfaction through lifting. I was feeding myself and actually enjoying the gym. I woke up before my alarm to rush to the gym because it was fun, not because I felt obligated. But in the same vein, I must constantly re-assess what I want and put my money where my mouth is. If lifting ever loses its allure, I need to move on. I do it only because I enjoy it. As is the same with any activity I pursue.
I work out because it is another tool in my box of recovery essentials. In conjunction with my other pursuits, it plays a vital role in my process. As long as I am enjoying it, I continue to do it. I think physical activity is essential for maintaining a good outlook. Some days the only good part was when I went to the gym. Again, this is just my experience. Consult your team and look inward before doing anything. But if I didn’t have the fitness, I’m not sure I’d be as happy as I am. Simply because it’s one of my passions in life. Thanks for reading.
