Bullies have said some awful things to me about my body and other pitfalls. But nothing compares to the venom and vitriol I’ve hurled at my reflection in the mirror. Suppose there’s an ultimate test of how successful your ED recovery is. In that case, it’s trying to maintain a positive line of thought when faced with yourself. The mind is a powerful thing. And one of the most challenging steps in recovery is learning to overcome the warped image you hold of yourself. Body dysmorphia can be crippling, but its important to try and understand why you are experiencing it.
I don’t see myself as others do. When I stare in a mirror, I segment each piece of my body and assess the perceived flaws and issues. My eyes first land on my stomach, then my lower back, and finally my chest. I’ve been through several stages of weight loss and gain. No matter the change, I’m never satisfied with how I look. Fixation on my body has been a constant. And the most problematic habit of undoing has been the contempt I hold for the way I look.
I think body dysmorphia is probably more prevalent than anyone realizes. How often do you meet someone entirely at peace with their own appearance? It seems like dissatisfaction with our appearance is more of a norm than feeling any sense of pride in our features. So much so that an expression of self-confidence or self-love is typically viewed as cocky, fake, or self-absorbed. There’s a prevailing narrative that you, as you are, are never enough.
I want to be honest. I have no idea if my body dysmorphia will ever indeed abate. Of all the destructive patterns, behaviors, and thoughts, dysmorphia has the most substantial roots. I struggle to imagine a world where I’m satisfied with my body enough to honestly think positive reviews about it. My ultimate goal is to reach a point where my appearance doesn’t dominate so much of my headspace. I don’t want to care about how I look. I want to be happy across the board.
I try to remember all of the impressive feats that my body has accomplished for me. I try to empathize with the trauma and celebrate the victories. But it’s so hard. No matter how visible my abs are, I won’t be truly satisfied until I learn to accept myself. But that’s so much easier said than done. As someone still struggling with this issue, I can’t offer much advice to combat it. But I can say that this is not sustainable. Continue to pursue sustainability; try to remember to congratulate yourself.
