Building Up Strength

I’ve been working on myself. Truly. I sometimes wonder where I went wrong, but it’s not that complicated. I’ve been struggling with panic on and off since my big episode. I’ve since hired a fitness and nutrition coach to properly train my body. But in general, it feels like things are aligning more in my favor than before. I want to warn ahead some topics may be triggering or polarizing to some. But please just respect that my process is different than yours. If you’re doing what works for you, that’s all that matters.

Fitness is important to me. It always will be. Some may think that attaining or reaching a specific body type or (more importantly) fitness level is regressive to the eating disorder recovery plan. I disagree. I feel utterly alone in this space. But the funny part is that I know I’m one of the millions who suffer from the same predicament. I was overtraining. I was purge training. There was ill intent behind my workouts that stole joy and allowed me to begin restricting and lose love for both fitness and food. I want that gone. So I’ve hired a coach.

With the hiring of a coach, I’ve had to implement counting calories. This is the triggering part. While I over-exercised, I did not nourish myself enough. My day, In retrospect, was conducive to nothing but stress, damage, and lack of anything productive for fitness or healthy food relationships. I’d wake up, go to the gym for 2 hours, get coffee and a treat, walk for 5 miles, and then withhold eating for hours. Following my “fast,” I’d eat a single meal before abstaining again until dinner. Maybe a snack before bed, and then I’m done. Counting calories holds me accountable for nourishing myself enough with my activity level. My panic attack was a warning. My central nervous system can no longer handle the stress of my previous routine, and now it’s my job to end that stress.

It’s strange being where I am. I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone in this space because no one is vocal about the struggle with the same issue. I’m supposed to believe there’s not one male who struggles with eating disorders attempting to heal through strength and endurance training? Really? Ok. My primary mission is to continue my passion for food and make zero sacrifices. I eat a certain amount every day. It’s a lot of food. It’s fucking brutal. I have to trust my body for the first time in my life. I’m going as hard as possible in the most thoughtful way possible. Favoring recovery and strength.

I’ve been given a caloric goal to hit every day. Eating at this frequency in large amounts is counterintuitive to everything I know. I’m full, satiated, and have more energy than ever. Which is such a win in and of itself. But I’m genuinely scared of this process, and having trust in it is hard. I’ve begun lifting in a more measured manner according to the plan. I’ve never felt more challenged or taxed. But I’ve also never felt happier. I like how I look, I like how I think, and I like the process. I won’t sacrifice what I love. I eat what I’d like to eat. I move A LOT but for fun. It’s a different day in and day out, but I feel like I have my sanity back.

I’ve been able to talk myself down from panic. It’s been hard to imagine how mean I was to myself. But I think this whole process will finally allow me to begin a new phase of healing my mind. I’ll be able to own and love who I am more profoundly. I sit and eat meals now because I have to nourish myself. My body does so much for me, and it deserves love. But beyond the looks, fitness, etc. What I was doing was just not a way to live, and I’ll do anything to prevent that. I’m not going to stop eating foods I love or doing fitness, or loving being fit in general. Why not go about that lifestyle in the healthiest, most measured way possible? Love yourself and all that jazz. Please take care. Whatever your process is. I don’t have ANYTHING figured out, so if you’re trying to follow my example, only do so on my suggestions for food. Thank you, guys. I’m proud of you.