As I move forward in my recovery, it’s integral that I understand the dynamics of my issues. I’m the last post; I discussed the earliest development of my eating disorder in more rudimentary terms. I had a chaotic childhood that pushed me toward food as a comfort mechanism. When I gained weight, I received backlash and rejection. So I associated my appearance with self-worth. But that was just the beginning.
I just became addicted to the praise I received for losing weight. I also saw the results in the mirror and wanted to maintain or even accelerate the process. I had no guidance, so I assumed the only way to push forward was to cut out foods labeled as “bad.” As soon as I started labeling food as “safe” or “unsafe,” it set a precedent for my relationship with eating moving forward.
My labeling of food as “good” and “bad” was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. It was inevitable, given the lack of clear guidance available for people wanting to pursue a sustainable lifestyle. But it’s maddening to think about how much time it has taken me to undo the strict, arbitrary rules I made for eating. And those rules are precisely what led me to more extreme forms of disordered eating.
It’s so important to have a good relationship with food. This idea is so overused and cliche, but it is integral to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I’ve come to realize that restriction hinders the goal of sustainability. The more you make something off-limits, the more you want it. And the more you punish yourself for investing in “unsafe” foods, the more likely you will develop unhappy or even dangerous habits.
My habits became dangerous and destructive very quickly. I wondered how I went from cutting out sugar to literally throwing up everything I ate in such a short amount of time. But in retrospect, I’ve realized that the cutting and labeling are precisely why I spiraled into more extreme habits. I still have trouble eating freely daily. I’ve long since given up the habit of purging, but I have to be cognizant of how I think about food.
Again, I am not recovered fully from these afflictions. I’m recoverING. I have good days and bad. I’m past physically restricting or throwing things up. But I do regularly hesitate when approaching food that I find scary. I have to constantly assess if I’m working out to allow myself to eat or work out because I love fitness. It’s a constant struggle. But it’s important to remember that your goal should always be health. Mental health and physical health. This comes from balance. Thank you for reading.
