Looking back at some of the extreme habits I adopted to lose weight is shocking. The slow results of the traditional diet and fitness were not conducive to my high expectations. So I began to push the boundaries to achieve results in a shorter time frame. It’s pure luck that some of these methods didn’t kill me. My body has taken years to reach homeostasis following the abuse it was subjected to. But it’s important to recount where things really took a turn.
It seems like my dietary and fitness habits became extreme overnight. While my restriction was always problematic, it was nothing compared to my actions in my early twenties. I discovered pre-workout powder, thermogenic fat burners, and Adderall. I would starve myself and ingest the three substances in excess before engaging in hours of intense exercise. The results were addictive. The risks were worth it once I saw the fat melt away. But I didn’t realize the long-term effects this would have on my mindset and body.
I’m unsure of the measurable effects of this extreme behavior on me. But I can tell you that I’m not the same person I was in many ways. My testosterone hit the floor, and my memory went to shit. Of course, my relationship with fitness and diet was altered forever. I constantly worry about the state of my organs. Like I said, I would regularly abuse Adderall mixed with high stimulant pre-workout powder while skipping sleep to hit the gym. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t have a heart attack.
This was clearly incredibly dangerous, but the immediate physical change and results were fuel for the addiction. The rush of altering my body composition was a massive high. So I went harder. I remember having massive panic attacks thinking my heart was going to stop. But I refused to admit that the behavior I was engaged in was the source of the panic. I had created an expectation for myself, and the only way I could live up to it was to continue that pattern. I didn’t stop until I was forced to.
In the middle of this chapter of my life, I relocated to Argentina to study abroad. This relocation caused significant disruption to my fitness and diet routines. At the time, it was upsetting. But in retrospect, it also served to teach some valuable lessons and may have even saved my life. Continuing down that path could very well have killed me.
After I left for my study, all of my “progress” disappeared pretty much overnight. I immediately gained back the weight I lost. I didn’t build muscle, I didn’t create good habits, and all of the damage was for naught. I crash dieted myself into a point of starvation. I also burnt myself out on fitness and completely stopped working out for months. So I not only did damage. But I further prolonged finding a healthy balance between food and exercise.
Looking back, I wish I could have had patience and compassion for myself. I ultimately starved myself for months, and the consequence was the loss of my fullness cues. So once I eased the restriction, I overate and hated myself for it. But that could have been a valuable lesson. I could have accepted the hunger and indulgence. At least then, I could have enjoyed my re-feeding process. But I instead focused on mentally flogging myself for getting fat. And it just continued the cycle. So that chapter was my first introduction to extreme dieting methods.
It’s so easy to come to these conclusions in retrospect. But in reality, I know that these events were necessary for me to find a balance. It’s important to remember to have compassion for yourself. I struggle with reconciliation with my past self. But without the person I was, none of the positive developments I’m experiencing would be possible or as poignant. Thanks for reading.
