January

I’m not editing this. I’m on a walk and I’m typing and that’s how I want it to come across. This isn’ a cry for help. No matter the content I’m well equipped to handle what I’m going through. I’m publishing this in hopes that people can relate. Also for the catharsis. If there’s one thing that I know I’m good at, it’s expressing my emotions. So. Without further ado…I’m going to do just that;

I’ve never felt this alone. The silence is blaring in my ears every time I’m left with my thoughts. The want for distraction is gone and I’m left with realizing that I have to accept the lack of noise as a gift. I’ve been codependent for years. I avoided facing my problems by creating romantic bonds. While I’m confident these experiences will work in my favor when I decide to be in a relationship again, I’m quickly realizing I stunted my growth in how I created those bonds. Because I’m here wondering how to like myself the way people seem to like me. Struggling to look at myself in the mirror and know that I’m good enough.

Honestly? I want to quit. But I have work to do. I want to move. But I know these issues will follow me to whatever big city I’m telling myself will drown out the noise. I’m still motivated. My work has become the most important thing. The drive to actually look myself in the eye and say “I’m proud of you” is still there. But I can’t do it. No matter how many sessions of therapy I’ve participated in. It’s so strange to sit with yourself and not run from the discomfort. I have to feel it.

I’m not unique in these feelings and honestly that’s what’s giving me a morbid comfort. Im opening myself up to people and also realizing that no one wants to hurt me. Life isn’t happening TO me. It’s happening around me. I’ve met wonderful people in this time period who have given me patience and encouragement while also expressing their love and admiration. I’d long stopped believing that people liked me until a few weeks ago. But it’s becoming clear that my success in business and social interaction can’t be chalked up to coincidence anymore. So at least there’s that.

I feel ugly. That’s ever present. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to see what a partner or admirers of my physical appearance see in me. I look at my body and face and see no spark of uniqueness or beauty. I have to force myself to repeat a certain phrase or compliment that I don’t believe. But I’m not eating disordered anymore. So maybe there’s hope for dropping my dysmorphia. The sad thing is that until I like myself I really can’t commit to something until I have been able to at least tell Peter that he’s worth good things. I don’t know when that will happen.

I keep trying to latch to this idea that I’m alone. People aren’t reaching out and my messages are empty. But I conveniently forget that people have their own lives. I keep trying to tell myself that my depression is unique. But the more I talk to people the more I realize most people feel this way. I keep trying to live in a headspace of cherishing this alone time. Listening to people who love being isolated in their thoughts. I used to. I don’t know where that went. So I’m here trying to get that back.

Again this is just me expressing my feelings. I’m very happy over all. But I guess if you saw me in person you’d never guess what’s happening under the surface. I’m trusting the process. I’m very confident that things will work out. I’m so blessed to have what I have. But it doesn’t negate the awful feelings I’m having. I guess the over arching them is to check on each other. I was in this really secure place this time last year. I was nervous and anxious but my heart was full. It can happen so quickly that someone decides to move another direction and even if you saw the writing on the wall you weren’t ready for the road ahead.

Everyone is going through it. If they aren’t, I’m so fucking jealous. But I’m wondering where I went wrong in my process. Because all of these thoughts are so loud. I’m trying to really hone my skills. I’m baking like my life depends on it. And my fucking god am I grateful for the work that I have because I’m not sure what spiral I’d be in if I didn’t. Anyway. Reach out to your friends. Please don’t think I’m going anywhere dark with this either. But also if you want to hang out, I’d like to hang out with you to.

Happy new year.