This is a day-to-day journey. The process of rebuilding my mental and physical strength is well underway. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a roller coaster thus far. I didn’t approach fitness or eating in the right way. So I’ve had to actively rearrange my intention as I incorporate each element, and it’s been liberating but also terrifying. As I build physical strength, I have to remember that workouts are about getting strong. Workouts are NOT about burning calories. I’m honing a skull that takes practice and leads to increased performance, happiness, energy, and overall well-being. Food is about joy. It’s energy and life as well as passion. I’m consciously classifying food as “just food” rather than viewing certain things as good or bad. I know that’s day-one stuff but still. Saying and doing are entirely different things.
My bigger shock has been the realization that I don’t know how to trust my body. I’m eating a certain amount of calories every day and have to just have faith that this is the amount I need to thrive. I’m pushing myself in the gym, but that’s another element that’s surprised me. I realize that my workouts were not only lacking in structure, but also in building and sustaining muscle. I feel like I’m discovering something new every day. I second guess myself a lot; I feel weird eating and not restricting. But I keep doing it and trying to surround it with as much trust and calm as possible.
Diet and aesthetics aside, the most important thing to observe is my overall mood and mental state. I’ve never kept my general spirit or form of being in these processes. Throughout these different phases, I’ve simply done and not stepped back to realize the importance of how my mental well-being. Because over at the moment, I feel fucking fantastic. I fell FULL. Not just in appetite. In my life, I feel whole and happy, and aware. My biggest regret is not pursuing a healthier approach to these things before. But I know honestly, without my unfortunate breakdown and subsequent realizations about lifestyle, I would have been unable to embrace my current plan.
I still feel alone. I’m misunderstood in my approach by people in both camps. The fitness space is generally not receptive to dexterity with food. While the eating disorder recovery space is not open to fitness and active lifestyle as it pertains to specific aesthetic or strength goals. It’s never nuanced. I eat in a balanced manner. I incorporate foods I love every single day. My morning pastry is not a “cheat meal.” If I want pizza for dinner, I’m going to have it. I also eat lots of Whole Foods, vegetables, and protein. That’s a massive part of my diet. But the two aren’t mutually exclusive. I continue to advocate for eating disorder recovery and awareness, especially for men. I think it’s ok that I want to be muscular and strong. That’s MY goal. I can have that and also move away from addictive behavior.
I just want to always highlight my ignorance. For anyone reading, please know that I can give only bits of advice relevant to my struggle. Just because I’m speaking out does not make me an authority, an expert, or someone with complete control of their destructive patterns. I looked in the mirror this morning and loved what I saw. I woke up and felt amazing. Guess what? Some day (maybe even later today), I’m going to feel like everything is wrong again. I’m going to question my process and stress and wonder what I’m doing that’s not working. I have to just realize that. I’m never going to be gone. It will improve alongside my willingness and tenacity to keep working. You can’t do this yourself. My advice? You can’t do this yourself. Get people in your corner and share your thoughts. Seek help and guidance and find a plan or path that works. SUSTAINABLE. Aim to feel good. Thanks for reading.
