I always want to be transparent about my personal relationship with food. I am NOT recovered from eating disorders. I am IN RECOVERY. I think my social media image could easily convey 100% confidence in my process. I also believe this is why social media is so problematic. I’m more over my eating disorder than I’ve ever been. Does that mean I am over the eating disorder completely? Not even a little bit. Allow me to explain.
I’m not over my eating disorder. I know this because I think about food nonstop. Some thoughts are conducive to my love of food as a passion and a career path. But a lot of them are overwhelming and distracting. On social media, it may come across as totally different. I think my page conveys an image of pure confidence in every food decision I make. But the truth is, these foods take days or even weeks for me to eat or “conquer.” I’m to a point where I feel comfortable actually eating most foods. If I want something, then I’m going to eat it. But that doesn’t mean my mental strength is flawless before or after ingestion. My mood very much depends on how I’m feeling about myself. But I can proudly proclaim that I am obviously not purging or actively avoiding anything. If I want something, I know that deprivation will only make me want it more. So I work toward eating that thing.
Please don’t let my previous paragraph detour or discourage you. The path to recovery is arduous but so worth it. I marvel at how far I came even six months ago in allowing myself certain foods I never would have dreamed of eating. I just don’t want to give any illusion that I have shit figured out. I work really hard to heal. I have a fantastic therapist and an excellent partner who help resolve my issues. But in terms of my recovery, I just want to clarify that I do things that work for me specifically. Anytime I’m asked about my habits or how I eat certain foods, my response is always the same. I have found what works for me right now. Try your best to do the same. I’m not a professional or qualified to give any advice. I just found something that happened to click.
The most important thing to highlight is that my circumstances are different. My method of processing and eating is conducive to my lifestyle. I am also constantly checking in with myself to make sure that my lifestyle is sustainable. That’s the critical part. I am a massive practitioner of physical fitness. I heavily prioritize movement throughout the day. I work very hard to maintain health and wellness. But I always wonder if this is my way of reworking the eating disorder into something more acceptable than purging or restriction. Right now, I feel as though I exercise and eat in a sustainable and joyful way. But I always make sure to maintain awareness of my habits.
I write this all to remind people to continue their work. I write this blog and open up the conversation about my struggles because it helps my recovery. The fact that it allows others residually is a bonus. But I never want to make people think I am not struggling. I will say when I’m recovered (if that ever happens). But the purpose of my voicing all this is to tell people that I’m still in the shit. I’m eating a burger tomorrow, and I’m terrified. But I’m still going to eat that burger and enjoy every second of it. I hope I don’t have to think about what I eat someday. I envy anyone who just ingested freedom from past trauma or worry. But I don’t know if that day will ever come. Until then, I’m going to keep trying to get there! Eat well, be well, and don’t take advice from anyone but your therapist. Thanks for reading.
