I’ve gone back and forth from sad to angry to lost over the past year. My mind has never been more scattered. Even at a time where I should feel stable due to my work circumstances. Somehow my sense of self is completely shattered. I think worse than that I’ve really lost a sense of whimsy that I used to feel identified me as a person. Interfacing with people seems more difficult because I’m constantly questioning who likes me.
Full disclosure. I went through a divorce earlier this year and ran from the feelings afterwards. Long story short I lost a lot of friends. I’ll try to go through this without expressing my bitterness. But it’s worth mentioning that I didn’t initiate the divorce. Despite my dating someone quickly after as well there was no over lap despite people’s assumptions. I was great at being a husband and that was suddenly negated without people asking me for my side of the story. So that was awesome. But I digress.
My work is always stable. But I’ve gone through client turnover at a bigger rate this year as well partly due to the market and also because I was absolutely over extending and quality suffered. I found out friends were actively talking behind my back trying to get me fired. I’ve lost connections with baking and cooking friends partly because of my defensive tendencies. But I felt rejected. Every turn I felt rejected. So I guess this is me explaining to whoever wants to listen that you should always check in with friends. Because I’ve literally never felt more isolated.
33 years down and I swear to god I feel like I was just born. Therapy tools mean nothing if the situation you are experiencing is foreign. I don’t even know why I’m writing this because I shouldn’t be asking for validation from others to help me find my peace. But I just genuinely felt like there would be catharsis in getting my words on a document for people to read. I miss writing. I miss feeling like I was a part of something and now I don’t feel that anymore. I’ve always felt isolated and like I don’t belong. There are peaks and valleys of different feelings. But man I don’t know why it feels like I’m at square one.
I want to extend a huge thank you to people who have kept up with me. I’ve been hard to get and in my own world. I began to realize I may have been putting it out there that I didn’t want to be approached. But I just want to feel like I have community. I’ve been trying so hard to build bedlam in to something beautiful. I’ve been working to know what to do to feel okay with myself. This is also not a cry for help. I’m not going to kill myself or something. Everyone feels these feelings. I just want to say this because it represents my feelings and hopefully people can relate.
If you’ve read my posts throughout the years that represent very different phases of my life. I’ve felt secure at many turns. But I think at this point I’m so thrown by everything. I’m also so surprised by how quickly people disappear and how rude some of them can be. I try really hard to make things right if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve made mistakes along the way these last few months. But I’ve apologized for harsh words, made good on places I’ve lacked energy and quality at work, and extended myself to people I felt I wronged. But. People can be fucking rude. People who pretend like they’re kind. People can also be beautiful. So. I haven’t lost hope and I also don’t want to sound like I’m victimized. I made wrong turns and rash decisions. But hey. I didn’t cheat on my wife, I didn’t fuck anyone over, and I’m still Pete. So. If you don’t like me that’s none of my business. But I sure wish people would have just asked if I was okay.
Anyway. Thanks for reading. If you’re friends with me thanks for being friends with me. I’m still here. Bedlam is still here. I’m building and I’m still going to try my hardest to be better than I was yesterday. I’m not stopping. I’m not asking permission to be myself anymore. So yeah I’m fucking sad. The world feels like it’s collapsing. But I guess that’s just life.
Someone I deeply care for recently told me to name 5 things daily that I like about myself. It’s the hardest exercise I’ve ever done. But here’s my favorite things about myself.
- I’m kind.
- I can make anyone laugh.
- I make a really good cookie.
- I’m always myself.
- I’ll never lose faith in people. No matter what someone has done to me I’ll always be there if they need me. For better or worse.
Thanks for reading.
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