There’s no delicate way to begin a conversation about making yourself throw up. So I’m just going to get into it. One day I just started to purge. I don’t remember exactly when. I remember feeling a sense of power, though. Being able to eat what I wanted without gaining weight. There was also a high the secrecy of it. I felt so hopeless and low that the control aspect gave me a high. It felt like I had discovered some hack or a secret that no one knew about. The habits I formed in this time took so long to break. Even though I have purged for years, I still suffer from many symptoms.
The strange part about my time as a bulimic is that I rarely binged. Usually, the cycle involves the intake of excess calories followed by purging to rid your body of the food. I simply started purging everything I ate, no matter the size or content. The feeling of food in my body felt unsafe. This is why my eating disorder was so scary. Even things like salads or fruits and vegetables were off-limits. I started to thrive on the feeling of having a completely empty stomach.
It’s bizarre how out of hand the sickness got. I would get up from a dinner table 4 to 6 times per meal. If I swallowed something, I had to bring it up. I remember times in which I experienced very adverse symptoms. Before my hospitalization, I felt the effects of the damage I was doing to my body. I remember throwing up blood from the irritation of my esophagus. I remember passing out from the strain and trauma of vomiting. And I remember countless times when I would vomit until I had nothing left in my stomach but acid. I was never confronted by my dentist, but he speculated acid reflux. I had 8 cavities in a single visit at one point.
The worst part of my bulimia was realizing later how difficult it must have been for those around me. Like any addiction, you can’t change it until you want to. I really never received any intervention from my family or then partner. I think because they understood, it would not amount to anything other than my embarrassment. But I still can’t believe how obvious I was about it. I would be at a dinner, and as I mentioned before, I would go to the bathroom sometimes 6 times. I honestly didn’t think anyone noticed. But the turmoil I must have been putting them through is hard to fathom.
I have been through years of therapy to help heal myself. But the person I credit the most with kickstarting my recovery is my wife. She allowed me to see the impact my sickness had on my loved ones and myself. In any addiction, there’s a noticeable lack of consideration for others. When she raised her concern, I felt something shift. The care I felt for her allowed me to think about my well-being in a way I hadn’t before. But I was also able to view the residual damage I was doing. She has since guided me through my search for comfort and self-love.
I can’t explain why it took that one outsider’s perspective to change. An apparent reason for the resonance was my love and respect for my wife. But I didn’t want to change for her. It made me want to change myself to be happier. Perhaps the lack of people confronting me about the issue also played a role. What’s interesting is that two hospitalizations didn’t have any overall impact. But her words were the turning point.
Being admitted to the emergency room for low potassium was absolutely terrifying. I don’t want to act like I shrugged it off. When your body lacks potassium, your organs begin to shut down. Bulimia damages every vital organ from the heart to the kidneys. My organs were beginning to feel the effects of my sickness. Also, having potassium dripped intravenously is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced. The experience was awful, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
This is just a tiny peek inside my struggle with bulimia. I know people have had far worse bouts with the illness. I was fortunate to not face long-term consequences regarding organ damage. I have significantly damaged my testosterone, however, as well as my teeth. But I’m proud to say that even with my struggles regarding food freedom, I have not purged or thought to purge in years. I don’t have an exact date, but I speculate my last purge was in 2019 or 2020.
