I’ve finally gotten a handle on most of the issues in my life. For now? I don’t know. I am optimistic that this is a turning point. Learning to recognize and dismiss anxious thoughts has been very tricky. But the most empowering part is recognizing my past victories over my anxiety…even if they were following hard-fought battles. It’s so interesting because I’m beginning to realize that I’m overthinking every human emotion. But I feel more connected to those around me when I know I’m not alone. Everyone gets anxious, feels great 10% of the time, and is either chaotic or on autopilot the other 90%.
Most importantly, above all things, I am the happiest and most “centered” I’ve ever been. It’s almost suspicious every single day; I have a time when I find myself “missing” something. I get really anxious, and I wonder what the anxiety is rooted in until I realize it’s time I used to experience panic. There was a time in my day carved out subconsciously for me to fit in an anxiety attack. I’ve learned to embrace these gaps where I’d previously wondered if I was doing something wrong. I used to believe I was failing if I weren’t moving around or making a plan. Now I’m just enjoying the rest that I’ve earned.
I don’t feel comfortable giving advice, but I do feel comfortable sharing what’s worked for me. It seemed like I had a breaking point, and from that moment on, I was committed to changing my habits, or else I would be doomed to repeat the cycle and be miserable forever. The long and short of it is this;
After returning from LA, I fell back into my old habit of overtraining and putting pressure on myself to do things I thought I was supposed to be doing. It was walking 15-20 miles, taking no rest days, and undernourishing. This all culminated in my having a small bout of dehydration and heat exhaustion. While I’ve had several scares, I think this was the one that made me (and my wife) say, “Enough is enough.”
Since that day, I’ve applied some rules to my routine. I won’t do it if I don’t like doing physical activity. My neurosis to walk miles for no reason leads nowhere good. I’ve limited myself to 15k steps daily (which is still a lot) and taken 1 to 2 mandatory rest days weekly. I hydrate frequently and eat what I want without hedging on what amount of activity I’ll do afterward. I still indulge in pastries or more decadent foods whenever I like them.
Most importantly, I am not waking up at 4am anymore. I wake up to bake and deliver cookies and usually return to bed. I don’t compromise on getting 8 hours of sleep. But it’s incredible to see how the results of the lessened activity have completely changed everything. I feel better, I look better, I perform better. My mind is clear and smooth. Granted, I still do a lot, but it’s funny to think of how much I was killing myself by doing endless exercise, and it took scaling back to get to where I wanted to be.
So what now? Today, my therapist basically “graduated” me to see her less frequently. I’ve successfully talked through panic attacks and even out of spirals before they begin. I’m at a place I’ve never been, and the sense of normalcy and safety is ironically very foreign and even a little scary. My mind is constantly searching for a place to fill the void of where that anxiety once was. I still have body image issues and probably always will, but it’s not a nagging thought as it once was. I’m still anxious, but it’s not culminating in a fear of sudden death. I have no desire to binge drugs or alcohol, and occasionally, I drink (maybe once a week or perhaps a little more on vacations); I naturally limit myself to one or 2. Even my control issues have subsided. I’m going with the flow. My therapist described me as “chill,” which I don’t think anyone acquainted with me has ever done. But here we are.
So, for now, I’m just going to enjoy it. I love every second of the place I’m in. I’m relearning the natural feelings and cues of my body and mind. I like what I see in the mirror and only use who I was yesterday as a comparison and competition. I’m absolutely loving the work that I do and taking pride in every single thing that I make. I am so grateful for the people who support me. I’m so humbled by the fact that I have people who want to be my friend, a beautiful woman who wants to be my wife and the owners of businesses who want to sell my baked goods. It’s all so incredible. Of course, I have bad days and scary times. But I love where I am, being in Salt Lake City, and I love myself at least.
In closing…any advice I can give? Hydrate. Drink a lot of water. Sleep as much as you can! Don’t walk 20 miles a day. And if you do, make sure you eat. Be kind to everyone you meet and yourself. Be vulnerable. It’s a strength, and being friendly is a fucking superpower. Don’t be fake. Obviously, some people don’t deserve and won’t appreciate your kindness, and that’s ok. But lead with love. That’s all!
