It’s incredible how haunted I am by dysmorphia, even after all the work I’ve put into my recovery. I’m in a good place, but it’s challenging to feel I can stop basing my worth on my appearance. I’m far less critical than I was before. But my dysmorphia always gets the better of me, and it seems inevitable that I reach the “Do I look x?” (Insert negative feedback loop/comment here). But it is quieter than it used to be. I am also not doing much, too much like I used to, and I think my mentality is far better than before. But I still want to give insight into my fear of weight gain.
I grew up the “fat kid.” I spent years getting bullied and feeling the wrath of a society that considers people in larger bodies as lesser members of society. This experience has allowed me to have empathy and love for anyone experiencing body issues. But ironically, it has made me my own worst enemy regarding how I look at myself. I watched the world become different as I began to get in shape and lose weight. But that didn’t make me happy; it made me jaded. My validity was based on how I looked. While it is an achievement to lose weight if that is your goal, it is also not something that should determine your worth in society.
I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been. I’ll reiterate. I’m happier mentally AND physically than I’ve ever been. I’ve never had those two factors working side by side before. That feeling is priceless and should be valued over anything else. But the stupid intrusive thoughts still nag at me and insist I could be doing something differently. As I said before, they are much quieter. I’m not doing anything to the extreme. But I have days where I wonder if I should be doing more. That also begs the question of whether I will ever be over this.
It’s hard to imagine being entirely rid of my body awareness and dysmorphia. But I’m closer than I’ve ever been. In the same way, I can acknowledge and dismiss my anxiety; I’ve been able to recognize and ignore my body issues. These are fear responses. They’re meant to protect me in some way. But I think the key is to channel them into something less detrimental to your mentality. I’ve become my own bully in all of this, and that’s truly sad. But the most challenging thing will be putting my experiences of people commenting on my body behind me. With that said…stop doing that. You need interior work if you ridicule, continue to knock or judge people because of their size. Whenever I see someone casually calling a friend or loved one “too fat” or “too skinny,” it makes me cringe.
My goal is to be my only competition and comparison. I just want to be better than I was, continue to improve, and be a more straightforward person for those around me to deal with. I also want to be my own fan. That will be the tricky part learning to fully accept and love myself. There’s never been a time when I looked in the mirror and felt like I was enough. So I try to make that a primary focus. If I’m not happy with myself now, that’s on me. An eating disorder is a gift that keeps on giving! Thank you for reading.
