Full disclosure; I’ve been going through a difficult stage in my recovery. I’m trying my hardest to tackle foods I’m afraid of and make them a part of my routine. But the lingering evil voices of diet culture never cease their badgering. I want to include everything in my diet. I believe I can do it and still be healthy because that’s what balance is about. But that doesn’t make the process of fighting food fear any less daunting, discouraging, or terrifying. So I wanted to explain what I’m going through in a little more detail.
I am trying to become a full-time writer and food blogger. This is the ultimate goal. So I travel places on my own dime to explore restaurants and dishes that will allow for new experiences. This is a dream come true. But it’s also very intimidating at times. I need to try a lot of food to get a complete picture of each restaurant’s offerings. There’s no way to give a good restaurant review by sampling a single menu item. But I still can’t shake the fear when eating these quantities of food. Sometimes I’ll eat and beat myself up for overeating following the meal. Other times I’ll eat far less than I know is necessary. Each outing, I become stronger at overcoming my fears. Allowing for more samples and trusting the process. But the anxiety sometimes becomes crippling, and the only clear way to fight it is to continue eating.
My philosophy has shaped itself into the refusal to cut out any foods from my diet. I want to eat anything and everything without fear. So in keeping that philosophy, I have to constantly eat things that scare me. There’s no art to this. I’m currently in the middle of fighting my fear of sandwiches…I know it sounds funny. But for some reason, I have created a mental block around being able to enjoy a classic combo of meat and cheese between two slices of bread. I have no technique in my strategy to fight the fear. I tell myself that I’m going to eat a sandwich. Then I go get a sandwich I usually would be afraid of and eat it. At the moment, it’s scary, but once it’s done, I am one step closer to normalizing the food.
I mentioned before that I had used this same technique with burritos and pizza. I will not hesitate to eat the most gigantic burrito or decadent pizza for dinner. I have compartmentalized these dishes as usual. But the classic sandwich has not passed that same test for some reason. People with eating disorders often do this. There is “safe” and “unsafe” food. But I’m trying to make every food a part of the rotation and ultimately lose categorization. So the food just becomes food. Does that make sense? Who knows.
I beat myself up a lot. I never want to speak like I’m an authority on recovery because my position is that of a person in the thick of the battle. Not through it. I always hope people can relate to these posts because my Instagram reflects someone who is entirely secure in eating everything he wants without any forethought. I’d like to quickly assure you that this is not the case. I have struggled on a daily and sometimes minute-by-minute basis. But the important thing is that I am acknowledging and actively trying to overcome these stresses. There is no way out of this unless I create pathways toward adopting the mindset I want to have. For anyone having a hard time, please know it’s not just you. This is fucking hard. Be kind to yourself.
