How long did it take me to ask myself this question? I always considered myself healthy, yet I ignored the absolute baseline of everything necessary. How do I feel? I spent so long doing things I thought I was supposed to do that I began to ignore and disregard my feelings. Even now! I FEEL better than I’ve ever felt. But because of those old habits that haunt me, I’m constantly plagued with this anxiety of wondering whether or not I can trust my feelings.
I don’t even know my baselines. I’m barely starting to understand when I’m hungry or full. Over the last month and a half, I’ve begun to build muscle and gain weight. The weight gain is shocking for someone conditioned to equate an increase in weight with negativity. But who am I to question when I am still determining where my natural set point is? I’ve set arbitrary goals and numbers. I’ve rationalized setting unreal expectations for myself of keeping single-digit body fat and walking 20+ miles daily on less than 2000 calories. My whole goal is to build muscle which REQUIRES weight gain! I’m stronger than I’ve ever been! And (I think) I Look better than I’ve ever looked. Even typing that fills me with doubt. Weird right?
I feel great. That’s what should matter. The whole process I’m going through has changed how I navigate. I want to be better in every way. Because I’m doing things optimally, I can approach every aspect of my life with the full attention it deserves. My panic has reduced, my marriage has improved, and my energy is through the roof. It’s just so upsetting that I can’t even trust that instinct because the moment I step on a scale, the feeling is dashed, and I start to get scared. But honestly, that part of my life is quickly fading. I’m giving myself permission to put it behind me.
This is absolutely not an advice blog. I’m not qualified to do anything, let alone tell you how to navigate something as complex as addiction. But I can say a few things and give some wisdom regarding what I wish I had realized before. Remember that I’m just starting to learn these things now, so I’ll also need to practice what I preach. Have compassion for yourself. Imagine how amazing it would be to have a full day where you don’t criticize, insult, or demean your own process. We should be able to feel good. Gauge what you’re doing and ask yourself if you feel full, happy, healthy, excited, and positive. If you don’t, then reassess! But just give yourself a break. Try to feel good.
