I’m a creature of habit and a control freak. Most people with addictive personalities tend to exhibit these traits. I’ve been going through this new process and wondering why I still don’t feel way better than I did. It’s interesting because I thought I was doing EVERYTHING differently. But I am still having difficulty relieving my anxiety and getting away from holding on to control. So now I’m at a point where shaking up my routine has become the most significant course of action. I need to return to a point where I can be spontaneous, happy, and more relaxed. But I also need to focus on continuing to take care of myself. Which I realized I was still not prioritizing!
For at least the last 3 years, I’ve been waking up before the sun to go to the gym. This ritual began sometime during the pandemic when I took on a job with earlier hours. I wanted to train before the crowd and finish it before work. It’s something I began to identify with. If you follow me on Instagram or read this blog, you’ll be familiar with my daily coffee/coffee and treat post. This factored in later as another practice that was once meant to prioritize health but quickly turned into something I took the fun out of. I’d stress about getting to the coffee shop or bakery before anyone else for the prime selection and a great seat. All of this became synonymous with my gym routine. It’s kind of crippling.
For anyone who doesn’t have control issues, it’s hard to explain how hard they can be to get over. I had to step back and realize how detrimental my morning routine was to my desire for overall wellness. But it’s so difficult to not let myself fall back into creating rules. In retrospect, anyone could tell me that my morning routine was unsustainable. Wake up at 4:15 after about 6 hours of sleep, eat a protein bar, lift at full intensity for 1-1.5 hours, then get coffee and a pastry before a long walk. My first meal would follow between 11am and 1pm. Reading that, I’m curious why I was surprised that panic would generally occur between these hours. But it’s something I valued for so long. It just became the standard.
I overanalyze most things. I have managed to remove a lot of fun from fun activities because I need to make a plan or set expectations for them. I’m terrified of disappointment. But at this point, it’s destroying me mentally, and I need to do something drastic to ensure I can sustain and enjoy life. I’ve fallen into a terrible pattern. But I can overcome it if I don’t turn the solution into another set of rules. So what am I doing? I’m making sure I’m sleeping at least 8 hours. I’m getting work done and then going to the gym only after I’ve eaten a meal. I’m eating out a few times a week but trying to make these outings partly spontaneous.
I use the analogy of a hermit crab looking for a shell to describe my anxiety. When one area is closed, it is in the open and looking for another to call home. But at this point, I realize I need to embrace that part of myself and learn that it’s trying to protect and tell me something. I haven’t given myself rest. I’m constantly taxing and pushing my body. But I’m doing it in a way that prevents recovery. It’s just perpetually in healing mode. So I’m going forward with another lesson of trying to be better. No more 4am. Unfortunately, no more prioritizing sweets either. That doesn’t mean I won’t have them; I will. But it means resting, nourishing, and getting my mind right first. Ok, thanks for reading, and go eat a donut for me.
