It’s happening. This isn’t April Fools. While I was so sure the move to LA would be the one that changed my life, it seems as though the universe has spoken to the contrary. Arriving here felt terrific. Getting out of the small-town vibe to find so much variety and possibility. But as the novelty of our move began to fade, the excitement and happiness followed. Speaking for my wife isn’t my place, so I’ll only talk about my experience. But my mental health took a fucking nose dive. My fear of failure and push to do more spiraled into a panic. I’ve visited the doctor several times to diagnose issues that don’t exist. I’ve created a scenario in my head where my heart is failing. I’m completely estranged from food because my opinion on it is inconsequential. But I’ve also receded into myself. So what’s the purpose?
I came to a realization the other day. Salt Lake City is that girl of my dreams who’s been there all along. I was looking for some fancy love affair with a big city. But I built something so fantastic with the community in my hometown. After a small Instagram announcement hinting at our return, I was blown away by the warm reception. My first instinct was to feel embarrassed for having come and left so swiftly. But in reality, I think I have to look at it as a great experience. Because it has been. We came here and will never have to ask “what if.” But my appreciation for what Salt Lake City means to me will never die.
While I know things take time, and there’s a chance California could work, my instincts are pretty strong. I’ve been working daily for two great companies that have welcomed me with open arms. People are returning to these places specifically to eat my cookies. But I started waking up without a sense of purpose. Our base is home. So even as we build something here, it seems like the work will always be a little less meaningful due to our lack of family and friend infrastructure. Even as I experienced success, it felt like I was eating food I could taste, but it never satisfied me. So here we are. Not admitting defeat but realizing how fortunate we are. I’m so lucky and happy to be returning. Even the prospect of this made my anxiety disappear.
Anxiety is insane. Is that an ironic thing to say? Or redundant? I don’t know. But as we speak, I’m heading to a cardiologist for a coronary stress test to rule out heart issues. It’s felt so genuine and visceral that I am willing to pay for the peace of mind. I’ve had so many spirals that I questioned my overall sanity a few times. There HAS to be a diagnosis. But in reality (short of a severe diagnosis today hah), I think it’s unresolved fear of failure. It’s trauma. It’s stolen everything I love. I’m afraid to lift weights(I still do), I’m not happy in my body, and I’m constantly LOOKING for something wrong. That’s the key. I’ve always had an outlet for my addictive personality, and guess what it is now? It’s anxiety. I’m addicted to stress. What a fucking bullshit thing to be addicted to. At least alcohol was fun. How did I go from that to making the cosplay of my own death a habit?!
Anyway. I don’t want anyone to think I’ve lost hope. I haven’t. I never will. This isn’t a linear thing, and that’s how it goes with anyone committed to working on themselves. It’s not perfect all of the time. This takes work and time, and massive amounts of energy to master. I think the biggest realization I’ve come to is that I will never get rid of my anxiety. It’s just going to be more manageable. But the good news is that I’m on Lexapro, so I feel A-OK! Hah. The situation in the bedroom will suffer, but at least my existential dread will begin to dull. I’m so grateful for everyone around me. Thank you for the support you’ve provided. I’m excited to come home and ready to keep adding to the Salt Lake City restaurant list.
PS…doctor said I was in “phenomenal physical condition.” Do you know what else he said? “Calm down. Get your anxiety under control.” I’m not kidding. A cardiologist told me my heart was in perfect condition and my anxiety would kill me. So there’s that. Time to start doing yoga, I guess. See everyone soon!
