What a hectic few days. An article about me was published in my local newspaper recently. To say I’ve been emotional regarding the matter would be an understatement. It’s such a fantastic thing that I’m so grateful for. But I honestly cannot accept it as a reality for some reason. My brain downplays any achievements I reach by reminding me that I don’t deserve them. When I try to acknowledge the work I’ve put in, there’s a piece of me that says, “you just got lucky.” To be clear, luck plays an integral role in this situation. There are several better bakers than me. Amazing bloggers and writers are doing important work and deserve recognition. But regardless, I have a hard time seeing how or why I stood out. I just don’t see it!
I’ve been kind of going through some weird stuff mentally. I’m incredibly well-adjusted, and that makes me nervous. Because I’ve been so used to a state of constant chaos and panic, the calm seems alarming and almost suspicious. Isn’t the brain a fucked up thing? I’m reaching achievements I’ve never imagined I could. Instead of enjoying them, my OWN BRAIN tells me that it’s the universe playing some elaborate scheme on me. I kept picturing everyone jumping out of the bushes, pointing and laughing at me because it was all a joke. My cookies suck, and my writing is terrible, but they wanted to tell me it was good and ask me to prom as a gag. Then the night of the dance, they throw eggs at me, and my dress is ruined. Okay, let me rein it in.
I’m reflecting a lot. I’m calm. Mostly, I can see my anxiety coming and tell it to stand down. For everything I just said previously, it seems like the positives outweigh the negatives. But in transparency, I have had a lot of struggles with body image lately. I have felt uncomfortable and scared. But I think I’m at a point in my life where I must realize that the work is paying off. Imposter syndrome can’t define me anymore. I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable enough to admit my baking is fantastic or that I write above average. Because I genuinely don’t believe I’m extraordinary in either way. I’m surprised that people enjoy my company because I don’t see myself as unique. But I’m genuinely grateful for and happy with my life. This is all a dream come true.
With my move inching closer and closer, it seems like I’ve been able to do what I set out to do before I left Salt Lake City. I wanted to go here on good terms. I wanted to miss it and feel a special connection. I’ve fallen in love with this place and the people here. I’ve made bonds with people I never thought possible. I’ve also just gotten to know myself and my capabilities in a way I didn’t before. I think my ultimate goal in life is (and I know this sounds so pompous but hear me out) to leave the world better than I found it. Not by some grand gesture. But by adding to the lives of people around me. I think if I can work on myself enough to be well-adjusted, it will, in turn, positively affect those I interact with. If I put passion into the things I do for work, it can make people feel inspired or seen. So. I will be as honest and transparent, and pleasant as I can in an authentic way. I will work as hard as I can. And I’ll try to make cookies as best as I can too. I think that’s all pretty doable. Thank you for reading. Thank you for making me feel seen.
